There are times when we get angry. While anger is not so much the problem its what we do when we get angry. Men are told that women are the weaker vessel. This is clearly false. The actual scripture say giving them honor as of the weaker vessel(1st Peter 3:7). This simple slip of the ignorant has placed women in a peculiar situation as to be treated like you are weak (one to be protected), is much different than being treated like a subordinate. The differences between men and woman have been the subject of way too many arguments. However, the idea here is that the man being logical and the woman being emotional in orientation has been exploited to create a schism between the genders and this schism sets the stage for many divorces. The subject here is the perception of importance. Many people in relationships get angry about one thing or another and at a point without discussion can set the stage for infidelity, violence and even divorce.

I start here by saying that standards for character are universal; standards for gender are relative. What I mean by the above statement is that how we act as people is a universal standard. We follow the golden rule in doing to others what we would have done to ourselves. The second part of the statement is where the rubber meets the road. The differing mindsets become the lens by which we evaluate any thing that comes before us. For example: a sunny day to a logical person is the sun giving light; to an emotional person its a beautiful, sun-shinny day to be filled with enjoyment and pleasure. While this may be an over-simplification the idea is the same the two mindsets see these two and without agreement any situation scenario differently. When things require one mindset or another, having one way or the other can hinder reaching a standard if the standard requires one or another. Logic is not creative therefore asking a logical person to be creative is not a reasonable request; conversely when the situation requires logical thinking, an emotional mindset would naturally find it difficult. so asking a person who is emotional to think logically is equally not a reasonable request.

There are times when our partner will do something that is offensive to us. They may see it a simple thing but we sit in our selves and fume over the idea that this person has done this thing.  Anger makes you storm away from the area, pout and purposefully withhold your feelings. Often times a slammed door is a revealer of our true feelings coupled with a bristling against a hug or display of affection. To this person the diplomatic lens must get cleaned so that we can understand where the person is coming from. the fact of the matter is that when a person gets angry there is more at the root of it. I heard a story one time about a man who while he was at the dinner table, wanted a drink and there was no ice and no ice trays because the freezer was full. He was tired and said, ” I like ice”, his wife started to explain what there was no ice, followed by her getting up from the table and started gruffly putting away the food. Later, he realized that she felt like he was dropping a hint that she was not doing her job int he kitchen which the agreed was her area. He also wondered why it was important, I told him that she wants to be perfect for him and the idea that there was something she should not do at that moment caused her a problem cause the idea that she was inadequate made her angry. He told her she was mad for nothing as the ice was not a big deal. I told him that, “it was for her.”

To conclude, understanding is tantamount in any relationship. People get angry. when you know what they are angry about, you can put yourself in a better position to deal with them which will give you the right attitude in helping to fix what it was, if it can be fixed

Dr. Timothy Hart B.A. PSY, SAS, M.Th, D.Th

What is Love? This is the age old question and many people just don’t get it. When we say we love someone what does that mean? Does it mean I think your are pretty / handsome? sexy attractive? Does it mean I really like you and want to be with you? or do you just want to have sex? The reality is most people get their idea of Love from the movies or romance novels. The fact of the matter is that what many is calling love is a response from their senses that have been combined with the social idea of having a relationship. The light of truth about love is pointing in the direction of there being a higher meaning to this term and while we are in relationships where we get angry and upset while claiming to love a partner. The idea of love carries with it the facts of who we are as individuals. Our senses pick up stimuli and we process it and formulate an opinion as to how we deal with it. It usually ends in sex or some form of physical intimacy. The fact of the matter is this. Love is when what you know overrides what you feel. Love is the most logical thought process you can have. In the bible Love covers all faults, is patient and kind, doesn’t get angry and frustrated with people or act unseemly. This is because it makes a decision to keep moving forward despite what is usually misconstrued as error and faults. Love makes not requests of its object nor does it get angry when rejected.

When make a friend, we choose to accept them just as they are because we recognize that they are different and making changes will change the relationship. When we choose a life partner, this attitude should carry over. The difference between the friendship and the life partnership is sex. Once a man has sex with a woman its a safe to assume that he has conquered, and the woman assumes she is accepted. As we can see by the number of divorces, this may be the case in an abstract sense.

We love our partners by the following.

Recognizing they are not us – The most ignorant thing we can do is to assume that your partner is like or will act like us. We are critical of the flaw in our partners while not admitting to our own. They are not perfect aside of having all the parts. Appreciate that what they are bringing you, it not something you have. They are there to compliment you not to be your slave or you theirs.

Making knowing them intimately a quest – So many couples don’t know their partners. This is because many relationships are two or three trick ponies. There are two or three things that are being used as the glue to hold them together and one of them is usually sex – the weakest of the three and the most damaging to the psyche if the two are not committed.

Men be men with understanding / Woman be ladies with knowledge – Men can sometimes seemingly be harsh and uncaring. This is not the case. Men are being men and as such to be forced to be sensitive can be an unreasonable request. Men understand that the woman needs to hear from you be solid enough to trust her with your knowledge and don’t treat her like a child but be accommodating. Women know that men are different and any attempt to change him might net you the kind of man you don’t like. If you stay focused on being the best woman and lady you can be you will find the man being more chivalrous than you might believe. Men don’t hold doors open to competitors. If you decide to display superwoman that’s exactly what you will become.

Be more affectionate – allow your partner to know if you are not.

Most men are very affectionate. the unaffectionate ones are the exception and not the rule. So allow him to be affectionate with you and never push him away. Men, recognize when she is not with it and find something else to do or offer your help. Allow her space without an attitude. This is an acid test of her love for you. When she is ready to talk you will be the first. Don’t accept dysfunction unless you are ready to go down that rabbit hole of unstable emotions. She loves attention and be consistent with any action you perform toward her. ?Wisdom speaks. Don’t start of with a bang cause you will find you don’t have enough ammo to sustain it. Men like gifts as well. Start with small things and work your way up. Time and memories are best spent accumulating little by little. One rose, then two; for the ladies expensive gifts will make a man who is not enlightened lazy and entitled. Love is selfless and always thinks of the receiver. If what you are doing carries with it some sense of reciprocity, its not love. Love does not see rejection as rejection. Love learns how to better serve and be better toward you without exceptions except for the promises you make which anyone would expect. If you fail to keep your word, love has a mind to forgive even if there is no request.

When you say you love, be loving and when you give love you will receive love in return; if you don’t receive love in return leave for the sake of the person who won’t or can’t give it back. You have to love yourself and allowing a person their choice without judgement is the ultimate act of love.

Children are much like plants. The ground they are planted in needs to be as free as it can be from large rocks and trash that might hinder their development. With this being said, the goal of parents is not to find the best mate but to be the best mate. There are signs that some people are not marriage material. Make no bones about it the life a child is filled with images and scenarios that help them to find out what type of person they will be. As I mentioned in part 1, the things that are in the child come from the parents and they will come to fruition given the proper exposure and opportunity to express itself. Here are six things a person needs to be in order to be the best mate.

1. Loving – It is important to love but more important to be loving which is the expression of love. We must not be deceived into thinking that and erotic scenario where the emotions flow heavily is a prerequisite for a strong relationship. Although chemistry is important but the inner man has to have a propensity to push past the obstacles that hinder a loving and caring environment. If you are not a physical person then a physical person is not for you. A loving attitude does not judge a person for not being but recognizes the differences and if you intend to have a long term relationship with such a person either adjust or find a way to deal with the loneliness you will experience as a result of unmet needs.
2. Knowledgeable – Entering a relationship ignorant of the opposite sex is relationship suicide and is the root of many misunderstandings and violence. Frustration as to how to deal with a person who is way to talkative or conversely not talkative enough can bring the worse kind of selfishness to surface…the attitude that I want to see it done as opposed to what is best for your partner.
3. Have a system of values – I call this “the code”. Many people are flying by the seat of their pants and have no clue as to how to act. I have seen many a men open doors for their mate but after a year they jump in the car with her standing outside. I have also seen the big dinner being prepared during courtship but once the relationship enters the commitment stage the man is fixing his own dinner and eating alone. This system of values is a basis of fellowship between two people and if they are true to the code they team up to create the type of life both are accustomed to and should the dynamic not fit exactly they support each other until it happens.
4. Trustworthiness and supportiveness – During times like these the roles have been reversed. Men are not making as much in some communities as other and the woman finds herself the primary bread winner. In this case the code should motivate the man to strive for better income to rescue his mate from the burden of the “superwoman” narrative and if need be reenter or enter a place of higher learning to acquire more skills or start his own business. Conversely the woman should be an encouragement to keep her mate motivated to reach the goal of primary bread winner by supporting his drive to be better and be willing to be a partner in any endeavor. I have heard stories of a man who wanted more education which meant a sacrifice of income for the home for a time and the wife did not and would not support any effort he attempted yet complained constantly about the lack of funds. Of course the relationship ended the man remarried and his new wife was fully on board he is now a physician. They have a six bdrm house and their children are at this time graduating high school with full scholarships to top 10 colleges, while she struggles going from job to job..still complaining. If you want to have a strong relationship it would be wise to unite with someone who wants what you want be sure that what you want she / he wants as well
5. Honest – Openness is the order of the day in any relationship. If you cannot talk to your mate for fear that they will blow a gasket or trivialize what you say you need another situation. The arguments and the deception will kill the trust in your children.
6. Agreeable – We don’t always agree with everything that happens or is said but we can still be agreeable. This means allowing a person to have a differing view without a conspiracy being afoot, and a faction forming in the home. I had an opportunity to talk with a man whose wife loves gumbo. He hates okra. Well if you know how gumbo is made an important ingredient on gumbo is, you guessed it..okra. He wife loves him so what she did was she made the gumbo without okra and was happy. She told him she was not going to risk not making him happy for the cause of okra. This is an example of being agreeable.

When you have these six qualities you are well on your way to building a healthy environment for your child and you will have a great marriage which should be the goal of people who want to have children. I will finish with this if you have sex you want children. I say that because that’s what comes of a sexual relationship, With that being said if you plan to have sex strengthen these qualities because sooner or later (unless something else happens) a child will come and you should strive for the best for your children

Children are wonderful! They bring joy and give us a warm feeling. They also require a lot of care. In a day and time when things are so our of control we must step up the game when it comes to them. There are three things we must come to grips with as it relates to them and and they are these:

1. They do not belong to us – Many parents view children as assets or possessions and as a result miss their true value.
2. They will not be children always – Children are people, untrained and uneducated people and it is our responsibility and should be our joy to bring them to the fruit of adulthood and the fulfilling of the divine plan for their lives.
3. They do come with instructions – God placed inside of everyone a code called DNA. In this code are temperaments and propensities that we can clearly see if we view our children in respect to 1 and 2 above. They also have grand parents who probably did a good job of raising you if this post is touching you positively. They have a wealth of knowledge specially for you.

With that being said, we must come to the realization that we are equipped to handle the raising of our children whats left is the decision. Whether we want to be parents or not. Lets not get it twisted, sex is for creating children, God made it pleasurable so that we would do it. When we enter the pleasure dome without a plan or recklessly we may come out of the dome with one more than we went in. So there is a cost to be counted when we enter. So many children grow up in dysfunctional homes because they were the reason for establishing the home. When this happens many have challenges in respect to child raising that need not be. Here are some points to help you to know if you should be a parent:

1. If you did not listen to your parents or there were very few quality adults in your life.
2. If vanity is a major motivator in your path to adult hood.
3. If your view of sex is all about the pleasure principle.
4. If you are a complainer when things need to be done
5. If you are a complainer when things get tough

Intrinsically speaking, if you are a fearful and lazy person; If you want to get something for nothing more often than earning what you get; if you are more involved with “getting paid” than working for a purpose then you should not have children. Children know more than we think so our conduct has to line up with truth, honor and integrity. A willingness to create an environment that is beneficial for your children is an absolute necessity. Raising children starts before the children are born, before you choose a mate and before you have sex the first time. It is a great thing to be a part of a Good church. There you will find a good pastor who understands family relations, nurtures people and provides a ground for other families who are accessing wisdom and being successful as being good people. This is where the raising starts…with a good person prepared to meet the challenge.

It may suprise many of you when I say that you are a selfish so and so. You might think Im talking about keeping things to yourself or hoarding things; maybe you are stingy and wont give under any circumstances.Im not tlaking about that,Im talking about the type of selfishness that is control freakish in nature. There are givers in the world then there are thr selfish bastard that is looking for accolades for what they do. There is another class of selfish that many never consider. This type does a lot for people. They somtimes stay up late and are on call. The go into debt for folks and let people into thier houses when the displaced person needs a place to stay. While all these are good, the focus here is why. Are they really doing it for the benefit of the person or are they doing it  so they can fulfill thier Christian duty; or may be becuase they know what it feels like to be homeless; or maybe because they have compassion of the person. While all of these are good reasons they are selfish ones. There are times when we care about people and we set conditions on the service or blessing we provide. When the person does not perform like we like we begin the process of bullying the person to perform like we would like. This is the selfishness. Instead of thinking about what the best interests are for the person we just want to see it done. We even become angry when its not done like we like it in the time we want to see it done. If you want to kill the selfishness, give and walk away. The minute you take in personally you are being selfish. It is not our responisbility to make someone change if any change will be made its will be divine and not carnal. Husbands try to change wives and vise versa. Leave them alone if there is anny change to be made God will make it or he wont. Live for you and if the other person agrees and move forward its gravy, of they don’t, you must keep pushing toward your next minute.

When there is trouble in the home, there are many reasons for the emotions that come forward. These emotions are destructive for many reasons. The first of which is now that you have crossed over into the “anger zone” you can be sure that there are tools there that can render you a single person.

1. Bad Language – appalling language that demonstrate a lack of character and in some cases that the user has hidden issues.

2. Insults – Name calling and negative banter that is only designed to hurt the receiver and there is never a time when it does not. Shots at a persons maleness and/or femininity; occupation; income status; position in the home, usually with no useful purpose but to make the person feel bad.

3. Conspiracies – Here are the plans on “what I’m gonna do next”. You get it fixed in your head that you are either gonna end the relationship secretly; start another relationship / or cheat; or inflict injury on the object of your anger.

When you enter the anger zone you attach things to yourself;f that don’t come off easily. When you hold a grudge you can end up depressed or arrested or both depending on how you act when you get there. Many men have ended up in prison because their actions while in the zone caused them to hurt or kill someone and feel regret later. Many women have caused divorces to start when their anger caused them to miss the nuance of the “final blow”, and here’s a news flash ladies, men cheat when this comes. Its because they just want to feel loved and no its not the rule and no this does not apply to all cheaters. Many people carry the grudge so long that they forget how to be happy. This leads to a dysfunctional attitude of believing that your mate is supposed to make you happy. You should be happy and if you get angry about character differences, you probably should not be in the relationship in the beginning. At any rate, you’er here and you are pissed till overflow the things you want to remember are these:

1. Before you let it fly, assess why you are really angry. You can most times come to a viable solution if you tell your mate these simple words; ” What you have done is really upsetting me(or whatever term fits at the time) and this is why.” Understanding leads to compassion and compromise. If your mate really loves you, they make strides toward changing the conduct that caused you anger. Conversely, your thought time should entail you thinking about your mate’s pattern of thinking. You might be judging them falsely and you are angry for nothing.

2. Find your role in the incident. It is all too often that one stupid deed starts the ball rolling into situations that are just as stupid as the incident that started it. For example: A man overdraws the checking account. The wife sees the balance and goes ballistic.(sound familiar) What she did was adopt a policy of partial disclosure. While the man deposits his whole paycheck into the account he never knows how much is actually in the account. The stupidity of partial disclosure lead to a false assumption that there was enough in the account which lead to overdraft and her losing her mind over it. Answer: He needs to ask; she needs to fully disclose all information where he is concerned. Problem solved.

3. Know what your acts can cause. Many women in an act of jealousy will kick the man out of the house. If the attitude is to keep the man in the house an out of the arms of another, wouldn’t kicking him out defeat your purpose? (think about that). The whole punishment piece should be removed from the picture but of course it wont be because people want control.

Women, the moment you take control you may end up alone cause no man will stand around and wait for you to get back into the place you have placed yourself. Men if you want control you can’t be a brute and expect her to comply.It a new day and a new time. When she has probably deluded herself into thinking you would be a provider cause she sees you as handsome and the sex was good,and you are falling short.  Facebook and other social networking sites are no substitute for the person sitting right across the room from you. At the end of the day both need to grow up and realize that life is way to short to get upset about things that as soon as they happen they end and carrying grudges can cause you to waste a lot of beautiful days, opportunities to be treated really good, and chances to experience some really positive times. Find peace, be peaceful and enjoy peace.