Mad for No reason?

Image result for black man angry with black woman

There are times when we get angry. While anger is not so much the problem its what we do when we get angry. Men are told that women are the weaker vessel. This is clearly false. The actual scripture say giving them honor as of the weaker vessel(1st Peter 3:7). This simple slip of the ignorant has placed women in a peculiar situation as to be treated like you are weak (one to be protected), is much different than being treated like a subordinate. The differences between men and woman have been the subject of way too many arguments. However, the idea here is that the man being logical and the woman being emotional in orientation has been exploited to create a schism between the genders and this schism sets the stage for many divorces. The subject here is the perception of importance. Many people in relationships get angry about one thing or another and at a point without discussion can set the stage for infidelity, violence and even divorce.

I start here by saying that standards for character are universal; standards for gender are relative. What I mean by the above statement is that how we act as people is a universal standard. We follow the golden rule in doing to others what we would have done to ourselves. The second part of the statement is where the rubber meets the road. The differing mindsets become the lens by which we evaluate any thing that comes before us. For example: a sunny day to a logical person is the sun giving light; to an emotional person its a beautiful, sun-shinny day to be filled with enjoyment and pleasure. While this may be an over-simplification the idea is the same the two mindsets see these two and without agreement any situation scenario differently. When things require one mindset or another, having one way or the other can hinder reaching a standard if the standard requires one or another. Logic is not creative therefore asking a logical person to be creative is not a reasonable request; conversely when the situation requires logical thinking, an emotional mindset would naturally find it difficult. so asking a person who is emotional to think logically is equally not a reasonable request.

There are times when our partner will do something that is offensive to us. They may see it a simple thing but we sit in our selves and fume over the idea that this person has done this thing.  Anger makes you storm away from the area, pout and purposefully withhold your feelings. Often times a slammed door is a revealer of our true feelings coupled with a bristling against a hug or display of affection. To this person the diplomatic lens must get cleaned so that we can understand where the person is coming from. the fact of the matter is that when a person gets angry there is more at the root of it. I heard a story one time about a man who while he was at the dinner table, wanted a drink and there was no ice and no ice trays because the freezer was full. He was tired and said, ” I like ice”, his wife started to explain what there was no ice, followed by her getting up from the table and started gruffly putting away the food. Later, he realized that she felt like he was dropping a hint that she was not doing her job int he kitchen which the agreed was her area. He also wondered why it was important, I told him that she wants to be perfect for him and the idea that there was something she should not do at that moment caused her a problem cause the idea that she was inadequate made her angry. He told her she was mad for nothing as the ice was not a big deal. I told him that, “it was for her.”

To conclude, understanding is tantamount in any relationship. People get angry. when you know what they are angry about, you can put yourself in a better position to deal with them which will give you the right attitude in helping to fix what it was, if it can be fixed

How to Love your partner

couple hugging

Dr. Timothy Hart B.A. PSY, SAS, M.Th, D.Th

What is Love? This is the age old question and many people just don’t get it. When we say we love someone what does that mean? Does it mean I think your are pretty / handsome? sexy attractive? Does it mean I really like you and want to be with you? or do you just want to have sex? The reality is most people get their idea of Love from the movies or romance novels. The fact of the matter is that what many is calling love is a response from their senses that have been combined with the social idea of having a relationship. The light of truth about love is pointing in the direction of there being a higher meaning to this term and while we are in relationships where we get angry and upset while claiming to love a partner. The idea of love carries with it the facts of who we are as individuals. Our senses pick up stimuli and we process it and formulate an opinion as to how we deal with it. It usually ends in sex or some form of physical intimacy. The fact of the matter is this. Love is when what you know overrides what you feel. Love is the most logical thought process you can have. In the bible Love covers all faults, is patient and kind, doesn’t get angry and frustrated with people or act unseemly. This is because it makes a decision to keep moving forward despite what is usually misconstrued as error and faults. Love makes not requests of its object nor does it get angry when rejected.

When make a friend, we choose to accept them just as they are because we recognize that they are different and making changes will change the relationship. When we choose a life partner, this attitude should carry over. The difference between the friendship and the life partnership is sex. Once a man has sex with a woman its a safe to assume that he has conquered, and the woman assumes she is accepted. As we can see by the number of divorces, this may be the case in an abstract sense.

We love our partners by the following.

Recognizing they are not us – The most ignorant thing we can do is to assume that your partner is like or will act like us. We are critical of the flaw in our partners while not admitting to our own. They are not perfect aside of having all the parts. Appreciate that what they are bringing you, it not something you have. They are there to compliment you not to be your slave or you theirs.

Making knowing them intimately a quest – So many couples don’t know their partners. This is because many relationships are two or three trick ponies. There are two or three things that are being used as the glue to hold them together and one of them is usually sex – the weakest of the three and the most damaging to the psyche if the two are not committed.

Men be men with understanding / Woman be ladies with knowledge – Men can sometimes seemingly be harsh and uncaring. This is not the case. Men are being men and as such to be forced to be sensitive can be an unreasonable request. Men understand that the woman needs to hear from you be solid enough to trust her with your knowledge and don’t treat her like a child but be accommodating. Women know that men are different and any attempt to change him might net you the kind of man you don’t like. If you stay focused on being the best woman and lady you can be you will find the man being more chivalrous than you might believe. Men don’t hold doors open to competitors. If you decide to display superwoman that’s exactly what you will become.

Be more affectionate – allow your partner to know if you are not.

Most men are very affectionate. the unaffectionate ones are the exception and not the rule. So allow him to be affectionate with you and never push him away. Men, recognize when she is not with it and find something else to do or offer your help. Allow her space without an attitude. This is an acid test of her love for you. When she is ready to talk you will be the first. Don’t accept dysfunction unless you are ready to go down that rabbit hole of unstable emotions. She loves attention and be consistent with any action you perform toward her. ?Wisdom speaks. Don’t start of with a bang cause you will find you don’t have enough ammo to sustain it. Men like gifts as well. Start with small things and work your way up. Time and memories are best spent accumulating little by little. One rose, then two; for the ladies expensive gifts will make a man who is not enlightened lazy and entitled. Love is selfless and always thinks of the receiver. If what you are doing carries with it some sense of reciprocity, its not love. Love does not see rejection as rejection. Love learns how to better serve and be better toward you without exceptions except for the promises you make which anyone would expect. If you fail to keep your word, love has a mind to forgive even if there is no request.

When you say you love, be loving and when you give love you will receive love in return; if you don’t receive love in return leave for the sake of the person who won’t or can’t give it back. You have to love yourself and allowing a person their choice without judgement is the ultimate act of love.

 

Rasing the Kids Part 2

agreement

Children are much like plants. The ground they are planted in needs to be as free as it can be from large rocks and trash that might hinder their development. With this being said, the goal of parents is not to find the best mate but to be the best mate. There are signs that some people are not marriage material. Make no bones about it the life a child is filled with images and scenarios that help them to find out what type of person they will be. As I mentioned in part 1, the things that are in the child come from the parents and they will come to fruition given the proper exposure and opportunity to express itself. Here are six things a person needs to be in order to be the best mate.

  1. Loving – It is important to love but more important to be loving which is the expression of love. We must not be deceived into thinking that and erotic scenario where the emotions flow heavily is a prerequisite for a strong relationship. Although chemistry is important but the inner man has to have a propensity to push past the obstacles that hinder a loving and caring environment. If you are not a physical person then a physical person is not for you. A loving attitude does not judge a person for not being but recognizes the differences and if you intend to have a long term relationship with such a person either adjust or find a way to deal with the loneliness you will experience as a result of unmet needs.
  2. Knowledgeable – Entering a relationship ignorant of the opposite sex is relationship suicide and is the root of many misunderstandings and violence. Frustration as to how to deal with a person who is way to talkative or conversely not talkative enough can bring the worse kind of selfishness to surface…the attitude that I want to see it done as opposed to what is best for your partner.
  3. Have a system of values – I call this “the code”. Many people are flying by the seat of their pants and have no clue as to how to act. I have seen many a men open doors for their mate but after a year they jump in the car with her standing outside. I have also seen the big dinner being prepared during courtship but once the relationship enters the commitment stage the man is fixing his own dinner and eating alone. This system of values is a basis of fellowship between two people and if they are true to the code they team up to create the type of life both are accustomed to and should the dynamic not fit exactly they support each other until it happens.
  4. Trustworthiness and supportiveness – During times like these the roles have been reversed. Men are not making as much in some communities as other and the woman finds herself the primary bread winner. In this case the code should motivate the man to strive for better income to rescue his mate from the burden of the “superwoman” narrative and if need be reenter or enter a place of higher learning to acquire more skills or start his own business. Conversely the woman should be an encouragement to keep her mate motivated to reach the goal of primary bread winner by Agreement 2supporting his drive to be better and be willing to be a partner in any endeavor. I have heard stories of a man who wanted more education which meant a sacrifice of income for the home for a time and the wife did not and would not support any effort he attempted yet complained constantly about the lack of funds. Of course the relationship ended the man remarried and his new wife was fully on board he is now a physician. They have a six bdrm house and their children are at this time graduating high school with full scholarships to top 10 colleges, while she struggles going from job to job..still complaining. If you want to have a strong relationship it would be wise to unite with someone who wants what you want be sure that what you want she / he wants as well
  5. Honest – Openness is the order of the day in any relationship. If you cannot talk to your mate for fear that they will blow a gasket or trivialize what you say you need another situation. The arguments and the deception will kill the trust in your children.
  6. Agreeable – We don’t always agree with everything that happens or is said but we can still be agreeable. This means allowing a person to have a differing view without a conspiracy being afoot, and a faction forming in the home. I had an opportunity to talk with a man whose wife loves gumbo. He hates okra. Well if you know how gumbo is made an important ingredient on gumbo is, you guessed it..okra. He wife loves him so what she did was she made the gumbo without okra and was happy. She told him she was not going to risk not making him happy for the cause of okra. This is an example of being agreeable.

When you have these six qualities you are well on your way to building a healthy environment for your child and you will have a great marriage which should be the goal of people who want to have children. I will finish with this if you have sex you want children. I say that because that’s what comes of a sexual relationship, With that being said if you plan to have sex strengthen these qualities because sooner or later (unless something else happens) a child will come and you should strive for the best for your children

Raising the Kids Part 1

children_20834_288

Children are wonderful! They bring joy and give us a warm feeling. They also require a lot of care. In a day and time when things are so our of control we must step up the game when it comes to them. There are three things we must come to grips with as it relates to them and and they are these:

  1. They do not belong to us – Many parents view children as assets or possessions and as a result miss their true value.
  2. They will not be children always – Children are people, untrained and uneducated people and it is our responsibility and should be our joy to bring them to the fruit of adulthood and the fulfilling of the divine plan for their lives.
  3. They do come with instructions – God placed inside of everyone a code called DNA. In this code are temperaments and propensities that we can clearly see if we view our children in respect to 1 and 2 above. They also have grand parents who probably did a good job of raising you if this post is touching you positively. They have a wealth of knowledge specially for you.

With that being said, we must come to the realization that we are equipped to handle the raising of our children whats left is the decision. Whether we want to be parents or not. Lets not get it twisted, sex is for creating children, God made it pleasurable so that we would do it. When we enter the pleasure dome without a plan or recklessly we may come out of the dome with one more than we went in. So there is a cost to be counted when we enter. So many children grow up in dysfunctional homes because they were the reason for establishing the home. When this happens many have challenges in respect to child raising that need not be. Here are some points to help you to know if you should be a parent:

  1. If you did not listen to your parents or there were very few quality adults in your life.
  2. If vanity is a major motivator in your path to adult hood.
  3. If your view of sex is all about the pleasure principle.
  4. If you are a complainer when things need to be done
  5. If you are a complainer when things get tough

Intrinsically speaking, if you are a fearful and lazy person; If you want to get something for nothing more often than earning what you get; if you are more involved with “getting paid” than working for a purpose then you should not have children. Children know more than we think so our conduct has to line up with truth, honor and integrity. A willingness to create an environment that is beneficial for your children is an absolute necessity. Raising children starts before the children are born, before you choose a mate and before you have sex the first time. It is a great thing to be a part of a Good church. There you will find a good pastor who understands family relations, nurtures people and provides a ground for other families who are accessing wisdom and being successful as being good people. This is where the raising starts…with a good person prepared to meet the challenge.

Love Lesson #5 the thin line

There’s an old saying, that there’s a thin line between love and hate. Well actually, the line is an implied line cause the emotions swing like the pendulum on an old grandfather clock. I say this because many have crossed this so called line without even knowing it. We go into relationships not knowing the person we are with which makes it difficult to stay on one side or the other. The person sitting next to you may be the one to cut you so deep that you fall.into the chasm and it can seem like there is no bottom. The key is meaningful communication. There are signs that a person needs a healing even from.first glance, and our lack of understanding can compound this situation.
Here are five ways you can prevent getting caught up with a person like this:
1) Mingle with the same people they mingle with. People sometimes inadvertently reveal their methods of managing anger.while they claim to single you out as special, all they need is a spark and if that spark is from you you will get the same treatment. Watch the signs.
2) when you feel the butterflies in your belly when they get angry. Your spirit can only flow when the energies are familiar. If they get angry and shut you out, that’s a red flag.
3) Refusal of comfort. When a person gets so angry they can’t be pacified, that’s a red flag. It also says that they are sometimy about what they will communicate with you about.
4) The silent treatment. When a person uses the silent treatment its a form of manipulation. A person who will manipulate you does not love you and the more “no s” they receive they will be controlling, and disloyal to you when they don’t get their way.
5) The shut out paradox. If a person will shut you out of their life while claiming to be in a relationship with you, it won’t be long before it will be permanant. This comes from the need to control the situation and many times there is not goal at its root. Alienation and separation are the binders for divorce. Without intervention it will happen. Stubnorness and insolence just drive whatever past pain spikes in deeper.
Love is for us at beat physical mingled with the seasoning of affection. The higher love is joyful. It needs no season or pretense. It does not offend easily so you can get the opportunity to develop and grow into the unit that a marriage should be.

You Selfish so and so…

It may suprise many of you when I say that you are a selfish so and so. You might think Im talking about keeping things to yourself or hoarding things; maybe you are stingy and wont give under any circumstances.Im not tlaking about that,Im talking about the type of selfishness that is control freakish in nature. There are givers in the world then there are thr selfish bastard that is looking for accolades for what they do. There is another class of selfish that many never consider. This type does a lot for people. They somtimes stay up late and are on call. The go into debt for folks and let people into thier houses when the displaced person needs a place to stay. While all these are good, the focus here is why. Are they really doing it for the benefit of the person or are they doing it  so they can fulfill thier Christian duty; or may be becuase they know what it feels like to be homeless; or maybe because they have compassion of the person. While all of these are good reasons they are selfish ones. There are times when we care about people and we set conditions on the service or blessing we provide. When the person does not perform like we like we begin the process of bullying the person to perform like we would like. This is the selfishness. Instead of thinking about what the best interests are for the person we just want to see it done. We even become angry when its not done like we like it in the time we want to see it done. If you want to kill the selfishness, give and walk away. The minute you take in personally you are being selfish. It is not our responisbility to make someone change if any change will be made its will be divine and not carnal. Husbands try to change wives and vise versa. Leave them alone if there is anny change to be made God will make it or he wont. Live for you and if the other person agrees and move forward its gravy, of they don’t, you must keep pushing toward your next minute.

Love hate – the un healthy balance

Many people are in a very unhealthy situation in their relationships. There is arguing and disagreement about everything. From money, to frieness if mates to sporting events, some thing to which there comes discord. Yet they still lay claim to having love for the other. The lie continues until it gets physical or divorce or both. This dear readers is unhealthy. The source for these challenges is usually control. Many women don’t seem to realize that you can have all the money in the world and give up the very thing that makes us human, affection, respect and the pride of having and keeping a happy home; conversely some men have lost the drive to be providers. Many reasons cause the financial situation but the imp things is not to reduce your relationship to dollars and.cents. there are too many sacrifices to make chasing money and.or things.you will certainly sacrifice your mental health and if it gets too far your physical health.  It also must be mentioned that manipulation and control are to things you don’t want.to enter your homes. No one likes to be controlled or manipulated. If you feel like its too much to handle, there is a good chance there is a one sided view of the situation. If there is a need for a different thing make sure your mate al least knows and understands your point of view and be patient enough to be a listener if you must talk. Many people make the.mistake of confiding more in outsiders who will agree with their point at the risk of allowing their friend to keep their sometimes twisted views. Thre is also what I call the alternative life, where social media and other means become the escape and the manner by which people live secret lives within their own houses. When it falls apart remember that your facebook friends will.not in many cases be able to help cause they only know your “facebook” personality they may be surprise at what they find in person. If you are in this type.of situation, don’t resort to negatives to aid you in repairing it. Look at yourself fix what’s whats wrong with you and find a quietness within yourself. The enemy of.your relationship is not outside your door, it sits at your dinner table. When you get rid of him you will find the hate to be the illusion that it is and the peace will.stay with you which is where it needs to be. Have your friends but devote yourself to improving your domestic life. You will find that the growth you will experience and the joy you will regain will be much more rewarding. You just havr to believe that it can be fixed and know that there are to and the balance can only be created by two.